Samurainapping
by Lady Bitter Irony
Summary: Kidnapping Kyuzo—best case scenario, Kyuzo joins the team albeit by force . Worst case scenario, Katushiro and Kikuchiyo die trying. Either way, Kambei wins—right?
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I may kidnap samurai, but I don't steal them! The characters and setting of Samurai 7 are not mine, and I'm not making money off this. Or even a bale of rice.

Samurainapping

"I want him," Kambei declared.

"…" Katsushiro said. Kirara echoed him. Because really, what could be said to that?

Kikuchiyo tilted his head with a whirring of gears. "Oh yeah?"

"Yes," Kambei said dreamily. He didn't seem to realize where he was, or who he was with, or the alarming fact that Kikuchio was taking an interest in what he was saying.

"Well…" The mechanical samurai tilted his head the other way. "Katsu and I could get him for you."

"_What?_" Katsushiro demanded.

"What?" Kambei asked, sounding slightly more cognizant than before.

"I said, if you really want Mr. Speaks-Too-Little-And-Has-Too-Many-Swords, the kid and I would be happy to oblige."

"Oh really?" Kambei folded his arms and stroked his beard. Katsushiro realized with horror that he was actually thinking it over.

"Sure!" Kikuchiyo spouted a cloud of steam. "We're samurai, aren't we?"

Katsushiro didn't see what that had to do with anything, but Kambei nodded as if it made sense and said, "Really," again, this time in the tone of a man with his mind made up.

_We're doomed_, Katsushiro thought with terrible certainty. He felt the sudden urge to kiss Kirara goodbye. He resisted only because he was frozen with anxiety.

"It seems like a good idea," Kambei said. Now that his reverie had worn off, he seemed almost cheerful. It was an emotion so unlike him that Katsushio began to wonder if he had taken a head injury in his battle with the red-coated samurai. "If nothing else, it'll give you two a chance to prove yourselves."

"Yeah!"

"_Another _chance." Kambei shrugged. "All right, ten. How long—I mean, when will you be ready?"

"We're ready now." Kikuchiyo's head turned to Katsushiro. "_Riiight_?"

Katsushiro didn't reply, but nobody seemed to notice.

"Come on, let's go!" Kikuchiyo leapt to his feet in a small earthquake and dashed up the alley stairs three at a time.

"Goodbye, my lady!" Katsushiro pressed Kirara's hand and hurried after Kikuchiyo before he was tempted to do anything that might lead to rejection. At the top of the stairs, he stopped and looked back.

Kirara stared after him, vast eyes glistening. With tears? That couldn't be good. He tried to catch a glimpse of her scrying crystal, but it was hidden by the angle of her wrist.

Kambei, on the other hand, stood with his chin held high and his hands on his hips, smiling in a very satisfied manner. As Katsushiro watched, he raised on arm and waved. The boy samurai waved back warily before following after Kikuchiyo.

It was almost, he thought, as if Kamei was glad to see them go.

#

"Oh, good." Kikuchiyo pointed. "Shift change."

Indeed, it seemed that one motley crew at the back door of Ayamaro's palace was being exchanged for another, slightly more motley, crew. The second crew soon became even motleier with the addition of Kikuchiyo and Katsushiro, which nobody seemed to notice. Katsushiro guessed employment in Ayamaro's lower ranks had a high turnover rate.

All the same, being surrounded by a mechanical samurai with a fire lighter for one hand, a man in a mohawk and disturbingly little else, and an individual sporting more knives than Katsushiro could ever imagine necessary, left him a little uneasy.

After the longest five seconds of his life, he and Kikuchiyo had slipped through the doors and inside Ayamaro's palace. The motley crew that came in with them evaporated through various portals in a cloud of neon colors, flesh tones, and metal.

"All right." Katsushiro looked around. The doors took up all of one wall, another wall was coated in gold leaf, another sported pink elephants, and the last held an appalling mixture of the latter two. "Where do we go next?"

"Mmm…" Kikuchiyo bounced his sword on his shoulder thoughtfully. Katsushiro backed away.

"Well?"

"Be quiet, I'm thinking! Hmm," he repeated. "If I was one of Ayamaro's lapdogs, where would I be?"

_Ayamaro's lap? _Katsushiro thought but didn't' say, immediately preoccupied with erasing that image from his mind.

"Huh…" Kikuchiyo shrugged. "Well, this place isn't _that _big. We'll find him sooner or later."

"Kikuchiyo-dono, I can't help but think that now would be a very good time to tell me what you're thinking of."

"Isn't it obvious?" Kikuchiyo picked a door in the pink-elephant wall and threw it open. It led to a corridor, considerably darker than the entrance hall due to narrowness and a lack of gold leaf. "We kidnap old Two-swords What's-his-name, bring him back, then Kambei is so surprised and impressed that he'll be glad to let us join the team!"

"Kidnap?" Katsushiro stopped in his tracks. The door chose that unfortunate moment to slam shut behind him with a tone of morbid finality.

"Yeah…" Kikuchiyo was bouncing his sword again. "You didn't expect him to come willingly, did you?"

"_Why did you get _me_ involved in this_?"

"Who else?"

"Why didn't you just go alone?"

"Look." Kikuchiyo loomed almost as menacingly as Katsushiro's vision of their bloody dispatchment at the hands of assorted Ayamaro employees. "Do you want to become a part of Kambei's little in-club, or not?"

"Yes. I mean, no. I mean…I want to save Lady Kirara's village!"

"And you can't do that if they leave us behind, right?"

"Right," Katsushiro squeaked.

Kikuchiyo clapped him on the shoulder with enough force to almost for a Katsushiro-shaped hole in the parquet floor. "Then let's go!"

At the next pair of doors they turned left. Then right. Then left, left, left, right, left. Right, right, right. They passed a room with one wall entirely taken up by a pair of doors, one wall of pink elephants, another of gold leaf, and another of gold elephants on a pink background—or pink elephants on a gold background, it was a bit too loud and stylized to be sure. This time they took a door through the gold-leaf wall. It led into a courtyard. At first, Katsushiro was so relieved at the absence of loud colors that he didn't think to check and see if they were alone. His moment of un-samurai behavior was compensated for by Kikuchiyo, who quickly scanned the courtyard and pointed at one corner, whistling appreciatively.

"There," he said in the quietest voice Katsushiro had yet heard from him. "Found him."

Katsushiro's eyes were again scorched by a blaze of violent color. Actually, by two violent colors: crimson red and sulfuric yellow. Kyuzo's back was to them, which seemed like the most good luck they had had all day.

"So…" Katsushiro started.

"I'll take care of it. Watch this." Kikuchiyo sprinted across the courtyard. He restrained himself from yelling a battle cry, which must have been trying, but Kyuzo would have had to be deaf not to hear the clanking of machinery heading towards him. Near-mute he might be, but deaf he was not. Luckily, Kikuchiyo was moving fast—Kyuzo had about half-turned around and was just reaching for the hilts of his swords when the edge of Kikuchiyo's hand hit the back of his neck. The scarlet-coated samurai crumpled to the floor.

Katsushiro blinked. "Kikuchiyo-dono…where did you _learn _that?"

"Oh, well, you, uh, pick things up." Kikuchiyo took off his coat and wrapped Kyuzo in it. Katsushiro wasn't' sure how inconspicuous they would look carrying a weird burden in a coat, but it had to be better than just dragging Kyuzo out uncovered. "I'll take care of Ayamaro's puppy here. You get the doors."

They passed through the portion of the motley crew that remained behind to guard the outside gate with surprising ease. Katsushiro began to suspect Ayamaro's bodyguards had developed possibly illegal ways to get through their jobs—surely those glassy eyes couldn't be natural? Or maybe it was usual to see people carrying body-sized burdens out these doors.

Katsushiro tried not to think about that for long.

Kikuchiyo's burden began wiggling when they were about halfway to Masamune's house. The mechanical samurai stopped walking. "Should I hit him again?"

"Probably not." Having been the victim of several concussions himself, Katsushiro well knew the kind of damage such loss of consciousness could involve. It seemed unwise to have an armed and disoriented Kyuzo unwrapped when they returned.

"If you say so. Hey, you! Ayamaro's dog! If you don't want me to shake you by the scruff of the neck until you stop twitching, you better knock that off right now."

Kyuzo knocked it off.

"Good." Kikuchiyo gave him another shake for good measure and began walking again, this time fast enough that Katsushiro had to sprint to keep up. "Man," he said to the boy samurai, "I can't wait to see Kambei's face when we get back!"

-Oh, but you'll have to wait…until Part 2!-

/scary 'Part II' music


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I may kidnap samurai, but I don't steal them! The characters and setting of Samurai 7 are not mine, and I'm not making money off this. Just some giggles.

Samurainapping

Kambei was in the back of Masamune's workshop, speaking quietly with the old mechanic. They looked up as Kikuchiyo thundered through the door.

"He's still got his head—" Masamune started.

"Look here!" The mechanical samurai dropped his burden on the ground with a thump that made Katsushiro wince.

Komachi examined the coat-wrapped Kyuzo, who was starting to stir feebly again.

"This," Kikuchiyo announced, "is Samurai Number Three."

He unrolled the coat. Kyuzo was on his feet in a second—but only for a second. Then he staggered, blinked dizzily, and very slowly sat down again.

"Well?" Kikuchiyo asked.

"…" Kyuzo said. Kambei echoed him. They turned and started at Kikuchiyo in unison.

The mechanical samurai stopped with one arm shoved in his coat. "What?"

Kambei stroked his beard. "Well, you did it."

"Yes, we did! Admit it, old man. You didn't think we could."

"Well…" Kambei sighed. He seemed almost disappointed. "Thanks for your effort." He offered Kyuzo a hand up. "It's good to see you again."

Kyuzo's swords flashed. Kambei narrowly avoided losing his hand.

He fell back, rubbing his wrist as if to assure himself it wasn't severed. His tone, when he spoke, was surprisingly even—or not so surprising, considering it was Kambei who spoke. "I suppose I must apologize for the rudeness of my companions."

"Did you order this?" Kyuzo's voice was a little slurred. Either he was still scrambled from Kikuchiyo's strike or he was too angry to speak clearly. He seemed pretty coordinated, though, now that he had stood up, and Katsushiro feared it was the latter.

"I, um, might have encouraged it." As Kyuzo's swords twitched, Kambei raised his hands defensively. "Wait! I didn't think they'd go through with it!"

"What?" Kikuchiyo's gears whirred menacingly. "Do you think we're cowards, Kambei?"

"Not at all. I simply didn't believe you'd—" he looked at Kyuzo's swords meaningfully–"ah, go through with it."

"Oh," Kikuchiyo said dully.

"You…wanted to get rid of us?" Katsushiro said. His eyes grew wide.

"Seems like it," Kyuzo growled.

"Why?"

"Guess," Kambei said.

"Kikuchiyo is loud and annoying?"

"That's part of it, yes."

"Katsushiro!" Kirara appeared in the doorway, lit from behind like a gentle spirit from the heavens, then ran up and hugged him. "I didn't know if you were still alive!"

"My Lady." The room felt suddenly warm and close. "I…"

"He is, as you can see." Kambei nodded to Kyuzo. "And he brought us our friend here."

"Oh." Kirara jumped out of Katsushiro's arms to stare raptly at Kambei. Then she spotted Kyuzo. "Oh…" She jumped behind Katsushiro.

"Hey," Kikuchiyo said, "I brought him here, too…"

Kyuzo glowered. "I'm not your friend."

"Oh." Kambei wilted. "Really?"

"Absolutely."

"Maybe we could become—"

"I don't have any friends. I've never had any. I don't want any."

Thirteen words. They were probably the most Kyuzo had ever spoken at one time. They carried a chilling tone of finality.

"That's a shame," Kambei said.

"Yeah," Kikuchiyo rumbled. "Even Kambei's got friends. Of course, I couldn't name any of them off the top of my head, but…"

"Kiku," Komachi chided. She was sitting on his shoulder, and spoke between nervous glances at Kyuzo.

"Kiku," Masamune echoed, more chidingly because he sounded less terrified. "I'm one of Kambei's friends."

"Thank you," Kambei said.

Kyuzo was staring at the opposite wall with the glassy look Katsushiro had come to associate with Ayamaro's employees. Only in the case of most employees, it didn't look quite so homicidal.

"If there's any way we can make it up to you…" Kambei started.

He nodded to Kikuchiyo. "Will you let me kill him?"

"I'm afraid not."

Kyuzo snorted.

"Is there any other way we can make it up…?"

"Finish your job quickly so I can kill you."

Kambei's face fell. "Oh. Should've guessed you'd say that."

"I'm going now." Kyuzo turned to the door.

Kikuchiyo stepped in front of him. "Hey! Where do you think you're going?"

Kyuzo did not dignify that with an answer.

"Hey, Kambei! You're not just gonna let this guy go, are you?"

"Do you want to be the one to stop him?"

The spout of Kikuchiyo's helmet released a cloud of angry steam. "Do you mean to tell me Katsu and I risked out necks to get this guy for nothing? Samuranapping isn't a walk in the park, you know!"

"Kikuchiyo's right," Katsushiro agreed weakly. After all, it had been no easy task doing…whatever he had done. He remembered holding some doors open. But that had been a necessary task! And anyway, the damage his nerves had incurred would never heal completely.

Kirara wasn't hugging him anymore, and without her support he felt suddenly…supportless. And betrayed. His sensei had let Kikuchiyo lead him into almost certain death just to get rid of him!

Was he really that annoying?

He realized he was whimpering and stopped.

All the while, his hard-won success was sidestepping Kikuchiyo in an effort to make it out the door. There was some cold comfort in the fact that Kambei looked equally sorry to see him go.

"Is there anything I can do to convince you to stay?" he asked, sounding uncharacteristically desperate.

Kyuzo's expression closed off, which was a considerable feat because mere moments ago Katsushiro wouldn't have been able to imagine his face with any less emotion in it. He had seen mechanical samurai who looked livelier.

One of those mechanical samurai was still standing in the door, looking very lively indeed.

"Kikuchiyo, step down," Kambei said.

Masamune shook his head warningly. Komachi whimpered. The order, the warning, and the pitiful cuteness somehow drove the message into Kikuchiyo's head, and he stepped aside.

"Well, we wish you the best," Kambei said to Kyuzo. "I'll be sure to seek you out when the job is done. If I survive, that is."

Kyuzo stopped midstep.

"I mean, these are _Nobuseri _I'm going to fight. They're powerful warriors. I don't know how well I'll stand up against them."

"Of course, you've survived a lot of battles," Masamune mused aloud. "It almost seems like your luck's due to run out any day now."

"Of course, there's always freakish accidents," Katsushiro said. Sacrificing pride for his sensei's plan, he added, "It's quite possible I'll make a mistake with fatal consequences for all of us."

Kyuzo looked like he could believe it.

"And the road to Kanna is dangerous," Kirara said. "Even if we manage to avoid the bandits, there's the desert…and mountains…canyons…waterfalls…"

"And Uncle Kambei isn't getting and youn-ger," Komachi chimed.

Kambei glared at her, but only for a moment.

Kyuzo turned and met the white-glad and, quite honestly, aging samurai's eyes. "Live," he said.

"I'll try." Kambei's tone was a masterpiece of uncertainty. Just hearing it made Katsushiro almost lose faith in the chance of his sensei's survival. Kirara's eyes glittered with unshed emotion. He wanted to tell her that Kambei was just acting, but he wasn't actually sure that he was.

Kyuzo was obviously unsatisfied with that, though Katsushiro didn't know how he realized that. The red-coated samurai didn't seem capable of looking _happy _about anything.

"Well…" Kambei shrugged in a way that said more fluently than any words, _What can you do, anyway? _And stood up. "Shall I show you to the door?"

Kyuzo glanced at the doorway, which was two or three long paces away. "I'm all right."

"Until next time, then. If there _is _a next time," Kambei added in an extremely loud murmur.

Kyuzo stalked out the door without another word.

#

"Well, I still think the kid and I acted like true samurai," Kikuchiyo rumbled.

"That may be so." Kambei's comment appeared to be directed at his rice bowl.

"So?"

"I'm sorry?"

Unnoticed, Katsushiro sighed and shook his head. It wasn't like his sensei to be so distracted. The loss of Kyuzo must have struck deeper than he had thought.

"So, if we're acting like true samurai right now, why can't we _be _true samurai?"

Kambei attempted to answer that with a look, but his greater-than-usual melancholy sapped it of its strength.

"Are you certain you should stay here?" Masamune asked. "If that…bodygua…samura…man tells the magistrate where you are, and there's no reason to suspect he wouldn't—"

Kambei gave the ceiling a look as if he were asking it why the world always conspired against him. Katsushiro recognized it—being hardly out of the teenage years himself, he'd shared his grief with many ceilings just recently.

Because Kambei was stuck in anguished communication with the rafters, he missed the shape that appeared in the doorway. In fact, everyone except Katsushiro missed the appearance of that shape, because they were either lost in silent suffering, glaring at those in said suffering, or just not facing the door as Katsushiro was. Fortunately, they were quickly alerted to the shape's presence by Katsushiro's expression.

"You look like you've seen a ghost!" Kirara exclaimed, before she turned around and put on the exact same expression.

"…" Kyuzo said.

Kambei looked up and smiled. But only for a moment, before he caught himself.

"You've changed your mind?" he said.

"Nothing and nobody will kill you," Kyuzo said, "Except me."

"Good to hear," Kambei said. "Would you like some rice?"

"No, thanks."

Katsushiro supposed Kyuzo had probably eaten on the way there. And it had probably been still alive. That was just the feeling he got looking at the samurai.

All the same, he thought, it was good to have another samurai.

He hoped they wouldn't have to kidnap the next one.

As Kyuzo took his place beside Kambei—the white-coated samurai looked ecstatic—Kikuchiyo caught Katushiro's eye and nodded.

Katsushiro nodded back and hoped it had only been a nod of understanding, and not an agreement to something. He had the feeling he didn't want to go along with Kikuchiyo's ideas anymore. He'd find some other way of proving he was a samurai.

Preferably one that didn't involve so much risk of injury…but you could never tell.

He went back to eating his rice.

-end-


End file.
